Ha! (Ha ha ha ha ha....)
I haven't walked into a bar in a couple of months.
My contract with a Christian boarding school specifically forbids it.
But, that just makes jokes about walking into them even more special, so it is with a level of untempered mirth usually reserved for fat people that I now direct you to Postscripts, an "online large-print magazine" which has recently seen fit to publish an exhaustive list of bar jokes.
Wait! No! Come back! They're actually funny! Really, I promise!
Unless you don't think the following are funny, in which case I'll take no responsibility for the soul you've blackened:
A pair of battery jumper cables walk into a bar. The bartender says, "You can come in here, but you better not start anything!"
A grasshopper hops into a bar. The bartender says, "You're quite a celebrity around here. We've even got a drink named after you." The grasshopper says, "You've got a drink named Steve?"
A guy walks into a bar in Cork, in Ireland, and asks the barman: "What's the quickest way to get to Dublin?" "Are you walking or driving?" asks the barman. "Driving," says a man. "That's the quickest way," says the barman.
A baby seal walks into a bar. "What can I get you?" asks the bartender. "Anything but a Canadian Club," replies the seal.
A little pig goes into a bar and orders ten drinks. He finishes them and the bartender says, "Don't you want to know where the toilet is?" The pig says, "No, thanks, I go wee-wee-wee all the way home."
René Descartes is in a bar at closing time. The bartender asks him if he'd like another drink. Descartes says, "I think not," and he disappears.
Have fun.
And while you're at it, you may wish to read Postscript's other articles on the subject of humor (the list of bar-jokes is sixth entry in a series), specifically the first article ("Anatomy of a Sense of Humor: What's So Funny?"). In it, Postscripts repeats the findings of Dr. Richard Wiseman, who held an absolutely gigantic international survey via the world wide web - integrating over two-million entries - in order to find out if nationalities' senses of humor vary.
Turns out they do - and surprise, surprise: out of the eleven nationalities surveyed, Germans have the best sense of humor. According to Dr. Wiseman, we'll laugh at just about anything.
Those of you who know me personally are thinking right now that this explains a lot.
Canadians, interestingly enough, displayed the weakest senses of humor out of all nationalities polled - unless you count the Japanese, who apparently don't have a joke-telling culture.